Just Another Wiseguy

Partial transcript: In the matter of The United States vs Angelo “Fuzzy” Leonardi,
CV 34-5789

Bailiff : All rise.

Judge Reynolds: I trust we had a good lunch.

Noises of affirmation from the Jury.

Judge Reynolds: Mr. Wallace, is the government ready to proceed.

AUSA Terrence Wallace: We are your Honor. We request that Special Agent John Breem return to the stand. Special Agent Breem, you’ve explained to the jury what a Blog is, would you please read the transcription of the Blog entries as you found them on your search of Mr. Leonardi’s computer.

Defense Attorney Robert Matthews: Objection your honor.

Judge Reynolds: We’ve covered this already Mr. Matthews.

Matthews: I want my objection to be part of the record.

Judge Reynolds: So noted.

In a deadpan, uninflected voice, SA Breen read the following:

“Just Another Wiseguy

I blame the Sopranos. When I was first coming up in the business, everyone had a copy of the Godfather on videotape in their house, everyone. That was like our Bible, that’s how we knew how to act. Then they brought out Gf 2 and Gf 3 – 3? – WTF was that? – and then the expanded additions version and then it was all put in sequential order with deleted scenes, like we were too dumb to know when stuff happened. Oh, you mean Vito was young once? Oh, that explains everything. No wonder we began to lose our way. I mean, who wanted to sit through an expanded fifty-five minute wedding scene? Shit, my own service didn’t last that long; some peoples marriages don’t last that long. And with the commentary, please, run your little camera, shoot your little scene, and do us all a favor, just shut the fuck up about it. Shut it.

So people began looking a little elsewhere, especially those younger guys who didn’t care for the Godfather music. They couldn’t tell Vic Damone from Al Martino if their mother’s life depended on it. But ask them about Snoop Puppy Dog and M&M, that shit they know. So, you go over their house and you start to see shit like Scarface – Al Pacino pretending he’s a Rican, please. And don’t they notice he gets shot to shit because he is a stupid show off fuck up? And some of them have Scarface Two – like some doctor could plug all those bullet holes. There ain’t enough caulk in all of Home Depot to fill all the holes put in that guy.

Other guys, they have shit like Goodfellows. Now, I don’t know how real any of that story is, but they all seemed queer to me. Big butt buddies, even before they went into prison. No honor, no dignity, no respect. Which helps to explain where we, as an industry, are at today. And then there is that Sopranos happy horseshit. Well, that’s enough for today.
Monday, June 15.

So, my anger counselor says I have to tone it down a bit. Less swear words, little ears, she said, little eyes. Like some kid’s gonna be reading this shit. No wonder my anger needs managing.

Thursday, June 19

This is how were going to work on my “issues”, no more verbal shit, no more talking, no more hitting, no more acting out. By typing. Confession is good for the deferred prosecution soul.

Sunday, June 27

So maybe she didn’t deserve it, maybe I should have just yelled or left or something but that level of disrespect; it deserved something swift and immediate. It’s not like she didn’t get some jewelry afterwards. Not Kobe Bryant money but enough.

Tuesday, July 8

Sorry I haven’t been writing, I had to up-grade to something called Blogger Plus, it shut down the comments (I know we all want to know what P’Oed thinks, hate to miss those pearls), wiped out my links, genuinely screwed things up. If it wasn’t for my nephew’s kid Brandon (yeah, I know, real Italian name there Sis) I would never have gotten back up. Blogger, Microsoft, those fucks, that’s the real organized crime. Bill Gates wets his beak on every computer sold.

Wednesday, July 9

Want a laugh, click on this U-Tune link, fucking guy getting shot in the foot.
I swear I laughed until I almost choked.

Friday, July 18

Can you believe the crap that ass wipe P’Oed dumps in my comments? I am getting flamed by that jerk - Dago this, greaseball that. I’ll give you flames, jerk off.

Tuesday, July 22

I’ve been tagged. Pal ‘O Mine tagged me to write four things about myself.

1. I frequently dream about starting people on fire, sometimes its quick, like with my eyes or something, like spontaneous human combustion, the person don’t even suffer. And sometimes it is not at all spontaneous, like taking our time.
2. I know cops and cops know me and some of them are computer cops.
3. Whenever I’m in the sack with two women at the same time I like to sit back a little and watch.
4. When I was little my dad hated dogs, cats, any kind of pets. He’d say – “That’s why God made houses, to keep the animals out.” But my sister and I found a puppy on the street, hid it in our room. We got caught the third night, never saw that puppy again, hated dogs ever since.

Friday, July 26

I can turn my comments back on. Like they say about the flaming guy from the Fantastic Four – Flame out.”

Judge: And how does the Jury find?

Foreman: Guilty, your Honor.

Sunday, Aug 10

From the Prison Blog – “There Ain’t No Easy Time” - of United States Prisoner 23758

I blame the Sopranos.

Thursday, December 23


Gerald So said…
I love a good courtroom drama. Good detail. Thanks, John.
Oh, John. I just found this now. Great fun! Can't wait for them to be back on HBO though.
Great details, John. I laughed at the part about the kids because my husband (a teacher, not a wiseguy) says the exact same things. ;)
Bill Crider said…
Hilarious. I really loved the Al Martino/Vic Damone crack, being an old guy.
John D. said…
That was a cool story. A wiseguy blog. Gotta love it.
guyot said…
Cool idea.

I bet you make this into a full length story, or at least a 6,000 word short.

Go for it.
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